The official, in-person running of Jingle Bell Hell 2012 happened on Saturday, December 15 starting at approximately 8:30 a.m.
It was not raining. But it was cold...
Knowing that I was not likely to endure the same solo-running hell as last year (because this year I had confirmed entrants!), I had prepped for my own personal hell with soup...3 quarts of vegetable soup. You see, I've been dealing with regularity issues. My doctor assured me that this mass ingestion of soup would remedy my sluggishness. By this point, I welcomed any movement. If it needed to happen 3 miles out on the trail, so be it. Since nothing happened before I left the house, I brought tissues.
I picked up donuts on the way to the race. I was very optimistic regarding the potential turnout and got a dozen. They looked and smelled really good. I was wishing gluten was part of my diet...but it's not. So I just looked and smelled.
Halfway to the start, I was texted... "On my way!" by one person. Followed by "We're here!" from another. Yay! At least three people were going to join me! Three OFFICIAL people...and who knew how many innocent bystanders I could coerce into joining us?
I was greeted in the parking lot by...
Runners wearing holiday sox!
Jen let me know that she was unable to run. She was feeling sick. I mentioned my personal situation and how awesomely hellish our togetherness could be, that I had a whole packet of tissues we could share, and told her we could go slow. She still didn't like the sound of this special brand of hell. She and her man drove away :(
...but not too sick for donuts ;-)
The Road Warrior and I stood around for a few minutes. I knew we had another runner on the way. And I knew that getting her lazy ass out of bed before 10 on a weekend was her idea of hell...so we cut her some punctuality slack.
Finally, RoseRunner showed up, ate a donut and we were ready to get the show on the road...
Less than a tenth of a mile into it, I had to pee. And that is where my laughing started. I had a ginormous soup baby sitting on my bladder. I pretty much peed the whole time we were running. Don't be grossed out...have pity. It was funny not gross.
We ran slowly. RoseRunner's hell...slow and early. But slow was necessary because of my hell. Do you know what it's like to run with 3 quarts of f*cking vegetable soup in your gut? It is hell. The Road Warrior's hell had something to do with an injured foot and a strict directive from
God her doctor to not run for several weeks to allow it to heal. She and I turned around at the 2.5 mark to stave off the hell of a painful foot while RoseRunner continued on.
This was our secret ploy.
We assured RR that we would run slowly...that she would FOR SURE finish first. She had her eye on the awesome perpetual trophy and all the accompanying glory...and she wanted first pick of the Little Debbies.
Not only were we able to beat her back to the parking lot, but we even had the time to have an awards ceremony...Road Warrior won, and she chose the Little Debbie powdered donuts.
And got her name inscribed in ballpoint pen on masking tape on the bottom of the trophy
...for time immemorial!!!!!
Realizing that we had excess donuts, we walked around the parking lot offering them to strangers. Some people were kind of skeeved by this. Random sweaty women offering you donuts in a parking lot? Why is that weird?
After finding homes for three donuts, we headed back to the finish area, handed out some more donuts to fancy dog-walking ladies, and then...
Heeeeere she comes!!!!
Sorry, RR...you are the big loser today...
no trophy for you...
not this time.
you get the reject waxy chocolate-y coating donuts.
...and there she goes!!!!
I don't think she liked being taunted :(
Just kidding. She was a really good sport about it.
Right about this time, we saw two muddy guys emerge from a muddy trail. They looked hungry.
Hey! Donuts? I hollered.
They laughed. Then one of them saw the pretty pink box and stopped.
For real? he asked.
I ran over with the opened box. Take my donuts, pleeeeeeease.
He joyously selected the chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles while smilingly announcing, We still have another 5 miles to go!
His buddy looked kind of incredulous, declined a donut of his own, probably thinking, Yeah, dude... how do you think that choco-grease-bomb is going to be feeling in a few minutes?
When us three JBH2012 participants reconvened in the parking lot, it was decided that this is THE event to choose as your mid-December race.
Yes, this photo was staged.
Here's what makes this event a winner:
- You can't beat the company ;-)
- It's FREE.
- It comes with FREE DONUTS.
- And cute little coca-cola bottles with festive pictures of Santa on them.
- Or kombucha, if you're so inclined.
- As well as Mother's Circus Animals. If the Race Director keeps those cookies in the fueling mix, I'll bet we see Janae next year.
- the trophy...name inscribed forEVER. Lasting fame. Part of a legend. Can't beat that ;-)
Maybe next year I'll make some shirts.
Who is this crazy woman?