The Ellimpics

Not a typo.

I've been thinking...

Injured athletes need something to feed their competitive spirit and drive. My new love-by-necessity for the gym machines and rehabilitative activities spawned an idea...

There should be a 'Games' for us.

This is different from the Paralympics. We injured athletes will ostensibly recover from whatever is ailing us. We are not disabled. We're just a bunch of endorphin-deprived, stir-crazy, temporarily-down-on-our-luck, frustrated and hurting individuals who are largely unaccustomed and extremely resistant to training plan revisions, let alone finding ourselves without a race (or tangible goal...something besides 'running pain-free') to look forward to.

We push the limit foolishly, ignoring our bodies' signals because competition feeds us. And if it isn't the competition that feeds us, it is wanting that measuring stick ... that baseline ... that benchmark ... to gauge our improvement. Or maybe it's just compulsion. When we hurt, the tendency is to hurry up the healing process so that we can get back out there. We try too much too soon over and over. It is such a tricky cycle.

But what if...?

What if there were an Alter-G 10K? Or an elliptical 6-hour Distance Challenge? Or a StairMaster 100? An Ellimpics? *note: the word 'limp'...signifying that these Games are for those who limp* We would have the opportunity to feel achievements without reinjuring or risking chronic injury.

Maybe these things already exist. If they do, sign me UP.

It is looking more and more like I will not be running in San Francisco at the end of July. I don't think I can safely get my actual running mileage up high enough that 13.1 will be productive. I would rather give my body the opportunity to be comfortable and strong for Hood To Coast. I have always been much more of a team player than a solo artist, and so saving myself for Nuun's Team Morning and (more importantly) not being in pain is infinitely more appealing to me than risking it all to struggle through a half-marathon.

I've been crushing my cardio workouts and doing lots of climbing. Physically, I feel great...strong and limitless...unless I run. It has been amazing to push the envelope with regard to climbing. The help it provides as I work through some of the most challenging life issues I've ever faced is unparalleled. Having my friend take me to a wall that had me shaking my head the day before as I watched someone else climb it and then announce to me that I was going to do it... in the split-second before a freak out happened, I looked at her and said, "Okay. What's the worst that can happen? I try it, I fall, and you catch me." She smiled and nodded. And I did it.

Challenging my fitness on the machines has been so expanding as well. Last night I arrived at the gym 45 minutes before closing. It had been a emotionally draining, borderline-crushing day, and I knew I needed to do this for me. I had no idea what I was going to be up for. In the past when I experienced inner turmoil *understatement* I have allowed myself to get distracted while working out. When I jumped on the elliptical, a little voice said, "Whatcha got?" I don't really know how I did what I did on that thing, but man, I wish I could do it running. But I can't. I am so grateful that I can do it somewhere.

I left the gym feeling emotionally buoyed and pleasantly, physically spent. The clarity and restoration I got from 39 minutes on the elliptical was akin to the benefits of running. It's time to stop lamenting that I cannot run very much for now and embrace the gifts I have, enjoy the outlets I can utilize, and celebrate what I can do.

I left the gym feeling hopeful. And limitless.

GymWatch II: HellRaiser

And here I was, thinking that the smells were the worst of my problems...

Cast of Characters

Angry Old Man...

source

Imagine the hair is white.

Green Shirt Guy...

source

But no apple, no shirt logo, no sunglasses. Sub in gym shorts.

Annnnnd...probably not Brad Pitt.

Super Sweaty Woman:

Yeah...for real.

Setting

Converted industrial-space climbing gym's cardio area...elliptical trainer section, to be precise.

Early evening on a very hot, late Spring day. Little ventilation or natural air-flow.

Scene

Opens with Super Sweaty Woman (SSW) transitioning from StairMaster to Elliptical Trainer. After spending 20 minutes warming up on the SM with her heart rate hovering between 130 and 135, she is ready to tackle the meat of her workout over on the ET.

She climbs on and gets started. The plan: increase intensity every 10 minutes for a total of 40 minutes. The first 10 go very well...heart rate ranging from 140-145. In the middle of the second 10 minutes, she realizes that heart rate at 150 is demanding. And she is really, really hot.

Noticing a fan on the pillar 8 feet away, she begins to fantasize about the cool air blowing over her hard-working, sweaty body. Realizing that the fan is aimed at no one, she begins to strategize how to get it aimed at her...without stopping her workout. 

Enter Green Shirt Guy (GSG).

Perspiration-soaked and disoriented, GSG walks over and positions himself directly in front of the blowing fan...sucking in as much cooling goodness as decorum will allow. He appears helpful in addition to sweaty. SSW decides to give it a shot...

SSW (in a loud-enough-to-be-heard-over-the-fan-but-not-shouting voice):  Yo...Green Shirt Guy!

GSG (lifts dazed and sweaty face to see who is talking to him...once he realizes he is wearing a green shirt): Huh?

SSW (smiling...but it probably looks more like a grimace): Do you think you could angle that fan over toward me once you're done with it?

GSG (nods and manages a word): Sure...

Once he's feels sufficiently cooled, he angles the fan toward SSW and gives the look that inquires "how's that?" She gives him a double thumbs-up and a huge smile. He smiles back and starts to walk away...

Angry Old Man (exploding...and when did he show up on the immediately adjacent machine?): JESUS CHRIST! I JUST MOVED THAT FAN OFFA ME WHEN I GOT ON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

SSW (sincerely apologetic): Oh, wow...I'm sorry! I'm just so super hot. Maybe we can angle it so that it isn't on you at all and I get just a little sliver of air movement? I don't need it full on me.

As she speaks, GSG tries to politely adjust the fan in just such a way and then begins to leave.

AOM (pissed off beyond all rationality): Nevermind...nevermind...I'll MOVE. JESUS CHRIST! *mutter mutter mutter mutter*

SSW: No...for real...we can adjust it! You don't need to move! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to cause such a problem...I was just hot and still have 25 minutes with my heart rate over 150. Don't know if I can make it with out some fan relief!

AOM (very loud and palpably hostile still as he changes machines): NO. I can't believe this. I'm MOVING. I don't want THE FAN! You. Are. An. A**HOLE! This is BULLSH*T!

Upon which GSG turns abruptly on his heel, strides purposefully back to the fan on the pillar and gives it a sharp whack, sending the cool air blasting full on both AOM and SSW.

GSG (lecturingly, while pointing at AOM): You both have an equal right to have it or NOT have it. An equal right. She as just as much right to have it as you do to NOT have it. I'm not choosing sides.

AOM: Oh... F*CK YOU!

GSG (bending closer and getting quiet): No, man... f*ck you.

GSG spins around and exits stage right. Continues working out in a different part of the gym.

AOM, very flustered, collects his magazine, stumbles off his machine and follows. But leaves the premises.

Who knew such a simple request could raise such hell?

I was kind of shaken by the experience but did manage to continue my kick-ass workout. Finally, I'm learning how to prevent outside "upsets" from affecting my mental sharpness and resolve when it comes to my workouts. I'm not always successful at it, but this time I was :)

In other news, my hip was sharply hurting after one little mile last night. I kept thinking that it would chill out once it warmed up (sort of contradictory, isn't it?), but it didn't. I was sad. But smart. I came in after 1.7 miles.

I may not run in the SF First Half-Marathon on July 29th. Only time will tell...

GymWatch

I know you're dying to know what's been happening at my gym, especially since I haven't really posted about working out since my Bay to Breakers recap and my labyrinth walk at the end of last month. While I haven't been lying on the sofa reading all this time, I haven't done much running...maybe about 8-10 miles a week. It just isn't feeling super good to run right now. I'm hoping that will change soon since I do have a half-marathon on the schedule for 8 weeks from now!

In the meantime, here's what I've been up to over the past 18 days:

• 1 bike ride for 30 minutes
• 1 hike for 90 minutes (Labyrinth hike)
• 1 run up and down Moeser (where I actually ran all but a very short bit) for 32 minutes
• 3 easy runs for a total of 100 minutes
• 7 ET/SM (not extraterrestrial/sado-masochistic but elliptical trainer/stairmaster) workouts for a total of 8 hours and 20 minutes
• 6 climbing sessions totaling just under 8 hours
• 5 days of doing nothing

Grand total of time spent working out equals 22 hours over the past 18 days (13 if you subtract the 5 days off). 

It hasn't all been nose-to-the-grindstone, blinders-on, ultrafocused. Probably only my 40-minute tempo workout would fall into that category. For some reason, that is the workout I struggle with the most ...most likely because it's ...ummm... hard. I hope it is supposed to be hard to hold one's heart-rate at >80% for an extended period of time because, for me, it is.

On to the fun stuff...

Smells in the gym are the worst. Who's with me on this? After being nuked by a fart from someone on a treadmill in front of me on a hot night when the fan was not turned on (why did no one else wilt from it? this, I do not know) and then being trapped next to the super STINKYPIT guy for 40 minutes while in the middle of an ET workout (with no other machines to move to...busy night) and then finding myself choked by cologne steamed up by the increase in body-heat and -moisture of the make-up lady on the adjacent stairmaster, I have concluded that intense physical effort heightens one's sense of smell...and compounds the power of odors exuding from one's body. Sort of a 'lose-lose' kind of thing. Short of wearing a gas mask or breaking into the gym after-hours when no one is there, there is no real way around this if you work out at a gym, so I must suck it up.

Tarzan now goes to my gym. And we are climbing partners...at least for the moment. I went to the gym to meet a new potential climbing buddy, and saw this guy with long flowing hair, somewhat chiseled features and a semi-vacant expression on his pleasantly smiling face. "Tarzan" was what instantly jumped to mind. He was who I was meeting. So we climbed a bit, and during the course of conversation he asks, "Hey! So did you ever see the Disney Tarzan movie?" I had. He then launched into this comparison of the Disney Tarzan and rope climbing with the kind of excitement and exuberance I often see in my 7- and 12-year olds. It was sort of endearing...in a really odd way. Anyway...watching him climb reminded me of Tarzan on crank. Where Tarzan is smooth and looks effortless, my climbing buddy works really hard and looks like he is working really hard. But he is quick and strong, using very little technique to get to the top of a wall and relying solely on speed and brute force in a desperate, panicky, survivalist sort of way. Quite impressive although not so pretty to watch.

source

Big Fro Guy was there, too. But I didn't see him climbing. And he didn't have on a shiny purple suit. I have noticed that the really interesting people hanging out in the climbing areas of the gym are usually doing that and that alone...hanging out. Unless they are sneaking in a route when I'm not hawking them. Again, still feeling too awkward to pull out my camera and take my own pictures of these people. It would be rude, wouldn't it? I should heed those feelings of awkwardness...

source

And now the best stuff...

New shoes!!! I've been renting climbing shoes for the past 3 months. I've probably spent the equivalent amount of money as I would have on a decent pair of my own shoes. When I walked in to the gym on Tuesday (to meet Tarzan) my climbing instructor was there working the desk. I handed her my money and asked for shoes and a harness. She looked at me sideways and mocked the fact that I didn't have my own shoes yet. Then she said, "OOoooooo...we have shoes on sale! OOoooooo...look at theeeeese.... Bandits!!!!!!!!! Ooooooo...." (She sometimes reads my blog, and I will bet she is laughing at that...because she really, really did say "ooooooooo" a lot in that one-sided conversation). Less than half-price. I would've been a fool not to buy them.

New climbing buddy :)  When I tried to schedule a climbing lesson, this conversation took place:

Instructor:  So...do you want to just climb?

Me:  Well...I really like what you teach me. I always learn so much.

Instructor:  Well...do you want to just climb as friends? I can still teach you stuff.

So I now have another new climbing buddy. This is a win/win. She gets to climb and I get to learn without paying any money. Watching her climb is like watching the real Tarzan...smooth, effortless, inspiring.

Not gym-related but pretty awesome nonetheless...

in the Parenting category

for my post entitled

The Mistaken Generosity of the Tooth-Fairy

The best, best stuff I've saved for last...

I plan on having a kick-ass weekend. Not really sure why it will be super kick-ass since there really isn't anything kick-ass on the calendar, but making it kick-ass...or allowing it to be kick-ass...is my mission.

Wishing a fantastic weekend for all of you :)

Friday Four...From the Gym

Things have been super hectic on pretty much every single front in my life lately. Pick an arena and there is tumult, chaos or extreme busy-ness. I did take Monday off of working out...and after 15 days with no rest days, I needed it and enjoyed it.

Just to keep you up-to-date on one of these arenas, here are five things from this week's gym-world...

1.  The Coroner of Munchkinland works out at my gym.

source

On second thought...he might actually be a descendant of Jules Léotard...

source

Maybe not...maybe those guys each had a kid who had a kid together who is the guy at my gym. Anyway, I don't know how he maintains that awesome 'stache set up when sweating hard...either lots of wax orrrrrrr he doesn't sweat that hard. Maybe Munchkins don't sweat? Anyway...sorry for not having a real picture that I took myself. I tried...really. He walked by me several times, and I had the camera at the ready, but every single time he passed by, he turned his head away. I wasn't comfortable going up to him and saying Hey! can I get a picture of you to post on the internet, drawing attention to your facial hair sculpturalities? Well, actually, I would have but by the time I finished my workout, he was gone. Next time.

2.  No climbing this week. Bay to Breakers is Sunday. Sometimes the climbing gets my alignment torqued and then running is painful and dangerous. I wouldn't have time for an adjustment (or the moo-lah for one), so I'm not going to risk it.

3.  #heavybreathing. Still doing it. In fact... during last night's very intense cardio session I couldn't help but notice some confusion or consternation going on next to me. The heavily made-up chick

source

think:  Tammy Faye

about to get on the machine to my right was balking. She and her male companion (who actually bore a slight resemblance to Jim) began to engage in an animated discussion which I could hear none of...thanks to Trisha Yearwood screaming "She's in Love with the Boy," the blood pounding in my ears at a rate of 158 BPM, and, no doubt, my own heavy breathing. Seems she really didn't want to be next to me :P And they really wanted to be next to each other. I watched them strong-arm sweet-talk the chick one over from the machine to my left into taking the one right next to me. She also appeared visibly concerned but got zoned into her own workout enough to not be too bothered by whatever objectionable things I was doing.

4.  Out of the 15 elliptical machines, I now have a favorite. Is that weird? I keep thinking I should give myself a mental challenge by using other ellipticals and, at first, I did. I rotated every workout so I wouldn't get 'stuck' on one in particular. Well...that plan didn't work. And I've managed to acquire an affinity for a particular StairMaster, too. I won't hang out waiting if my faves are occupied, and I won't shoot daggers with my eyes at someone using them, but I do heave a heavy sigh of disappointment if they are not available...and then move on. Anyone else do this? Why do we do these things to ourselves?

Okay...so that's it from gym-world.

As mentioned above, this Sunday is the 101st running of the Bay to Breakers, and I will be there. I realized that I may not have registered...in which case I won't be there. I can't seem to find my confirmation email, and haven't received any sort of alert in the mail. Ugh. I am getting nervous that I will schlepp my sorry self over to the the lame-o expo and find nothing. Guess I'd better get cracking on that confirmation email search! What would you do it that happened to you? Or are you far too organized to ever do something so ...ummmmm... dumb?

Wishing much speediness and perfect weather to all racers this weekend! And lots of fun, laughter and good times to all :)

Another Day, Another Hill...

...and today is rockin' just like Monday :)

In keeping with my get-as-ready-as-possible-given-the-situation-at-hand (i.e. startlingly little running or exercising of any sort) training plan, this morning I repeated Monday's double workout scenario. After meeting with my physical therapist yesterday, we agreed that I am not going increase my level of fitness by this Sunday, all I can really do is get my body prepared to handle what's coming at it in it's given level of unpreparedness. Did that make any sense?

Today, I mixed things up a little.

The gym was the logical place to begin since it is right around the corner from dropping the kids off at school, but here's where I get all crazy... watch out! First, I did 10 backward minutes on the elliptical. Second, I ran on the treadmill. I know... so confusing. Last time I did it the other way around.

I discovered what many before me have already discovered...the elliptical is an excellent warm-up! When I was done with my 10 minutes and jumped onto the heinous road-to-nowhere, I was not nearly as bored treadmilling as I was on Monday...mostly because I was able to start out faster than an 11-minute mile. I was ready to go and cranked that puppy up to a brisk 7 mph at some incline...that part I haven't figured out entirely yet so I just pushed that ^ a couple of times. I am way to lazy to do the math but I do know that it is faster than a 10-minute mile and slower than an 8-minute mile so I'm good with it. I felt great at that pace for 5 minutes and then every minute I made it faster, running the last 2 minutes at 8 mph. I felt great and this is still my run fast song :)

A little walking cool-down, a little more backward ellipticalling, and a session on that cool, arm-burner...the hangboard.

Time to tackle a hill!

Monday was Moeser Lane...when I told my p.t. I was using Moeser, she started laughing hysterically.

"Only YOU would go after Moeser! Only you..." as she stood there shaking her head.

Today in the interest of mixing things up, I went a quarter-mile north to Potrero. Potrero is a bit shorter than Moeser...but it's got some agonizing steepness...

See those houses on the diagonal at mid-picture? 

That is where the steep part begins. 

The foreground is a gentle incline but looks almost downhill in comparison.

So...yeah...it's kinda steep...

...for a ways.

Even when you're nearing the top, there is still a slight incline...

and the neighborhood is chock full o' super interesting bush shapes!

On the way back down, I noticed this sign ^.

I don't think Moeser has one which may indicate that this section of Potrero is steeper

than any portion of Moeser... :)

I swear it looks like the road just drops off.

While Monday's hill is longer and runs through a section of open space and had the statue of the boy fishing with barbed wire, today's hill running exclusively through a residential neighborhood showcased some stunningly sculpted bushes and one of the awesomest displays of lawn ornamentation I have ever seen...

It's Cupid sitting in the fountain.

The wolf is howling.

The whole thing is in the shape of a heart! It took me a minute to figure that out :P

And technically I guess it isn't 'lawn' ornamentation since there's no lawn...

but the rocks are red and sparkly white so that's got to count for something.

I'm now on the hunt for more wickedly gnarly hills to take on in my quest for fitness and spectacular garden accessories!

What is the most interesting yard display you have ever seen?

Berkeley Ironworks... and turning a corner :)

This place is all kinds of awesome :)

On Thursday when I was in for my climbing lesson, I noticed again that they have treadmills and ellipticals and weight stuff in addition to the climbing business...but I had no idea how complete of a gym it is! I went Saturday to do a some strength work and a little varied cardio stuff...

I did a little on the blurry treadmill...

blurry because I am out of shape and my hands were shaking...

not because I was running fast.

Then I experienced the elliptical...

I went 'backwards' on this one to work my hip differently.

And to finish my cardio portion, I jumped on the rowing machine...

just like the good ol' days :)

The cardio area looks out over the weight machines and the climbing walls...

The pictures really suck because I wasn't too sure how keen people were to being in pictures 

that would be plastered all over the internet ;-)

What I discovered is that this gym has even more than what I saw at my first casual glance. Up on that cardio level is a whole big section of free weights and stationary bikes. Somewhere, there is a large area for spinning classes and yoga classes and even more classes...that are all free for members! And they have bathrooms and showers. And they give you towels. Can you tell it's been a million years since I belonged to a gym? This was just way too much excitement for me...

After my short cardio adventure and quick self-tour of the gym, I set to working my hip adductors and abductors and glutes slowly and gently so as not to overdo or further injure. Then I hung out for a bit...

source

This is a hangboard. It simulates all the different holds you might find on a climbing wall...some are super hard to hold onto...like, SUPER hard. So weird to think about building the stamina in my fingers, hands and forearms! Right now they are so weak that I have a hard time hanging on long enough to make good use of my legs when climbing. I aim to remedy that :) To that end, I worked on the hangboard until I couldn't stand it anymore...I don't know how else to explain it. And when I finished, I went home...feeling satisfied and sweaty ... such a nice change from depressed and lethargic!

And I think I've turned a corner.

Today something happened that a week ago...or even two days ago...would have caused me to curl up in a ball on the sofa. But I didn't go into sofa-mode...I got pissed. Not super pissed, mind you, but extremely annoyed. I feel like this is a really good sign. Just say "No!" to curling up in the fetal position and wishing you were in a deep, dark cave!

I very quickly got over the biz that got me pissed, and the day has been a good one. A piano recital for one child and a harp rehearsal for another and an interest in doing things...and a random blogger sighting that involved me shouting out the window of my dirty minivan at this cute couple running together and pissing off the drivers behind me as I lingered too long at the right-turn-after-stopping-at-the-red-light to say "hello" and introduce myself. She probably thinks I'm a total wacko... and I am. So her lawyerly intuition is spot on. But to me, the mere fact that I had the energy and the chutzpah to make the effort to act like a dork is huge. HUGE.

So here's to what I'm hoping is an emergence from the abyss (hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying this!). And many thanks to all of my awesome readers for bearing with me and helping to buoy me up for the past several months as I wrestle with this challenge. You all have been the best :)

Climbing the walls...

No exercise is a dangerous thing. It can lead to issues like psedentary psychosis (symptoms include: distorted body image, sagging sense of self-worth, premature aging, unhealthful food cravings, impulsively needing to do out-of-character activities...). No endorphins, no cleansing sweat, no vigorously pounding heart... it all amounts to no good.

My health issues of late have made running more than just the normal amount challenging. And the bike isn't as much fun at night as running is. I've been crawling out of my skin over here...climbing the walls. Yesterday, I decided I was tired of feeling old, fat, slow and in pain (fine, argue with me...but I'm not listening...psedentary psychosis). I decided that I needed to do something that scared the crap outta myself...but it had to be something that wasn't going to leave my children motherless and my husband wifeless. So running blindfolded across the freeway wasn't an option. Nor was playing chicken with a speeding BART train.

Every day on the way to and from my kids' school, I drive by a gym. It isn't just a gym...it's a climbing gym. I don't know what made yesterday different from any other day before it, but yesterday I suddenly got a bug up my butt to go try this...

source

I did one of these climbing wall deals once a long time ago at a kid's birthday party...and it totally freaked me out. I was fine on the going up part, but when I got to the top and turned around to see the dude holding the rope for me down on the ground, I freaked the F out. I had to close my eyes while they lowered me down. I wanted a drink...and I don't even drink.

But yesterday the Try This NOW bug found me...and bit me hard.

I called my husband. "Honey, I'm going to an Intro Climbing class tonight at 7:30. You'll need to put everyone to bed tonight. Okay?" He said that would be fine (of course he had to ... he still owes me for that 12-day solo trip to France he took last summer).

When 7:30 rolled around, I was sitting there in Berkeley Ironworks, a little nervous.

I had to put on this harness thing...

source

...and weird shoes...

source

...and learn how to tie knots...

source

"First you make a loop...that's the ex-boyfriend's head. 

Then you wrap the rope around his neck and poke him in the eye with the end of the rope. 

Then you pull the rope tight. " 

After that, you 'trace' the knot so that it's doubled and it ends up looking like this...

source

Then you take the end of the rope and tie a fisherman's knot...

source

Those are some of the things the person going UP the wall needs to do to get ready.

This is the person standing on the ground holding onto the rope that can save the climber's life...

source

...and they have their own set of instructions that they must know to perform their function properly...to keep the climber safe. The rope goes into the belay device a certain way, the slack always needs to be taken up, the carabiner must be locked...lots of important stuff.

In the Intro Climbing class last night, I learned both ends of the deal. The instructor was very thorough and nice...even when I kept screwing up my knots. Safety is of tantamount importance. She patiently helped me get them right. And then she let us climb the walls.

What I learned:

• as long as I don't look down, I don't get scared. 
• being the belayer is really stressful! 
• my upper body is pathetically weak.
• having trust that your belayer has you makes it so much easier!
• keeping your arms straight and just hanging is helpful.
• you use legs more than I thought.
• climbing uses a whole lot of muscles I didn't remember I had...my whole body is sore.
• I really like it...even though it freaks me out.

The place has more than just the walls for climbing. It is a gym. There are treadmills, weights, classes...

I need a change. I need something to be excited about. I need a new adventure to take on.

I joined the gym.

Happy Leap Day :)